Yarn Hair

Hello, again. So still in class. Not paying attention...

So there is this girl sitting in front of me who has like 4 long, strangely robust, curly hairs on the back of her shirt. If they decide to fall off, they will fall on my desk. This is wigging me out so bad (pardon the pun)! If one falls on my person or on my desk, I WILL vomit immediately!

Anyway, I forgot what I was even going to write about today. I can't even zone out like I usually do, I am so worried about this girl's Cabbage Patch yarn-hair falling on my desk!

Ooh, break time! Yeah! Back in a second...

OK, during the break someone moved my desk closer to Maribelle Banjo's (or your favorite Cabbage Patch kid's name) desk! Maribelle's yarn-hair is dangling closer than ever to my desk! BLERG!!!

I just tried to exhale forcefully so the hair would fall and I could somehow dodge it! It won't fall! I'm going to be sick! I bet if it falls, it will make a noise like a chopstick falling to the ground or one of those big ropes that sailors use...

Anyway, next week in the drug addiction class, I am doing a presentation about crack (the drug, not the fashion statement). To Narc's chagrin, I am bringing a real crack pipe to show the class. I'm getting it from my cousin who knows somebody who knows somebody, who teaches CPS workers about drugs. I bet you thought I was going somewhere else with that one. So, I'm bringing a crack pipe to class next week. I hope there is some kind of sticker or something on it that says PROPERTY OF TDFPS because if I get caught with a crack pipe, I am toast! The cops probably hear the 'I'm using it for a school assignment' excuse all the time. I will let you know. I may have to change the name of this blog to Blogging During Lockdown. We will have to see.

Anyway, that's all for now. The hair has still not fallen, so I need to concentrate on staying away from it in case it does. Byyyeeee!

Tex in the City

So, it has been a long time. In reality, I just finished a post, so for you it has not been a long time, because you probably haven't read the post I just did below. Anyway. What's up? How are you?!

How am I, you ask, well, I'm great. I had the day off of work today to celebrate my half birthday, and also because of Veteran's Day or something. But, luckily, I had school right, smack in the middle of my day off. Awesome!

A lot has happened since my last post (as I wrote this, I had forgotten that I wrote another post, so just play along.) Anyway, I went to New York, and I fell IN LOVE!!! His name is Manhattan and in a few years we are moving in together! Here are a few cool, quick and funny things that happened in New York (and this is an actual list that I comprised of things I wanted to do and that I actually did)

1. See a pick up game (or a rap battle)

2. Don't go to the Statue of Liberty

3. See a famous person

4. Don't be horrified by a homeless dude, and/or panhandler, carpetbagger or hustler

5. Make fun of people from LA with a group of New Yorkers

6. Pose as a New Yorker

7. Develop an accent... a Sarah Palin accent...

8. Pretend to be the Real Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher as played by Drew Barrymore in the made for TV movie, The Amy Fisher Story (1992) (I actually did a monologue from this during my first night in Long Island)

9. Get lost

10. Say 'Get lost!' to somebody

11. Survive after a subway ride

12. Pretend to be studying Anglo Saxon Literature at NYU

13. Find out what is on 56th and 5th

14. Buy a newspaper from a newsie

15. See the ocean!

16. Eat a cupcake from that place that Katie Holmes is always eating cupcakes from...

OK, as you can see, I was really busy. That wasn't even the whole list. Those are just the things I did! The one thing on the list that I regret not doing is #19 High five Tina Fey, then promptly beg for a job. I did see a girl that looked like Tina Fey the first night we were there, but I saved my high five for the real thing! Dang...

Anyway, I also did some fun things that were not on the list. I saw Michael Rapaport (pictured above). I couldn't remember his name until like an hour later, and neither of my friends saw him. I kept saying, 'you know that New York actor who always plays an Irish cop or a dumb, Irish dude.' So, I didn't get to say, 'Hey, Michael Rapaport, I loved you as Phoebe's Irish cop boyfriend on Friends!'

I also saw Lindsey Lohan. She was in a store, so I only got to see her behind glass, but in retrospect, that is probably the safest way to see Lindsey Lohan 'in the wild'.

Another highlight of the trip was when a nervous-looking businessman asked me for directions, and I actually kind of knew the answer! He was like, 'uhh, excuse me, can you tell me which way to 56th Street?' I casually pointed over my shoulder with my thumb and flatly said 'that way'. He thanked me. I wanted to say 'GET LAWST!' in my fake, but perfected New York accent derived from two days in total Long Island immersion.

Also, I found sailors! Even though, unfortunately it was not Fleet Week. I asked them if they ever store bananas or any other kind of fruit in their hats. They thought I was a little crazy, which I probably am...

Also, the first night in the city, I saw a rap battle, AND a break dance fight! I didn't participate in either, nor did I watch a lot of them because I heard that they are just there to keep the spectators distracted while tiny thieves pick your pockets.

Needless to say, I got on the plane and looked longingly out the window during the hour taxi to the runway. And I was so depressed to be leaving. I feel that I have found my place in the world, even though it is WAY too expensive for a social worker, and it is not within driving distance to my parents' house. I was depressed for like three weeks because I feel like I am missing EVERYTHING! I am going to work on moving there. Someday, somehow... Until later... If you ever get stuck between the moon and New York City....

Gaybraham Lincoln

Hey, there! I hope you all are well. I would like to start out by saying that I just overheard the annoying old lady sitting next to me say that Abe Lincoln was gay. Shocking! She would know, too, because she probably used to hang out with him at the Gettysburg Address Men's Review. That would also explain his love for flamboyant, over-the-top hats and his unfortunate love for the theater...

Anyway, the reason I am sounding so stereotypical is because I am attempting to mock the stereotypical temperature of our country right now. No, not really, I was just trying to make a bad random joke. And nothing is more random than saying Abraham Lincoln was homosexual.

And since I am writing this while sitting in a class called Socially Oppressed Groups, I would like to recant my previous charges against "The Feet". It turns out that she is very nice and kind of cool, albeit a little vapid. I guess that just shows that you shouldn't judge someone based exclusively upon the ghastly and horrific appearance of their feet.

Another update: I rocked the marijuana debate! Yippee!

Narc came off as a weird person with terrible grammar. She kept slamming her fists on the podium and repeated "AT WHAT COST? AT WHAT COST?"

I rebutted, "My opponent says 'At what cost?' But I say, think of the 7 billion dollar gain... Think not of the cost, but of the gain! OF THE GAIN! BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation how long have we been striving for greatness? Brothers and Sisters of Addiction 6349 6:00-8:50 section, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. Some people will tell you marijuana is a bad word. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, stoners and women of the world... unite. We must never acquiesce, for it is together... TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND... FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL!!!"

No, wait, that was somebody else. I didn't say that. I just smirked a little and moved on with my presentation. But I totally won!

OK, I guess that is all for now. I have to pay attention a little now... до свидания!